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- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake".
- Henny Youngman
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
- Anonymous
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you". The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".
- Anonymous
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Anonymous
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
- Anonymous
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
- Anonymous
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
- Anonymous
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- Anonymous
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
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